[LZF]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish.............................................49
Adventurous.................Slept with all your mates
Athletic......................................No t*ts
Average looking...............Has a face like an a*se
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure......................On medication
Feminist.........................................Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former sl*t
Fun..........................................Annoying
Gentle..........................................Dull
New-Age............................Body hair problems
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate..............................Sloppy drunk
Poet.......................................Depressive
Professional....................................B*tch
Romantic.......................................Frigid
Voluptuous...................................Very Fat
Large lady.................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker
Widow.........................................Murderer


WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like


MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins.
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[LZF]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

A guy and lady who just finished doing sex. After sometime both of the felt very hungry. It was freakin' freezing night and so was the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food.
After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.
They thought for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".
So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

[Guy1731]

A guy and lady who just finished doing sex. After sometime both of the felt very hungry. It was freakin' freezing night and so was the house so they both have an argument over who should go get the food.
After a while they decide to have a contest. Whoever can come up with the best poem would be the one to stay in bed.
They thought for a while when the guy says, "Okay, I got one. Two times two is four plus five is nine, I can pee in yours but you can't pee in mine".
So she thinks for a minute and says, "Okay two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you'll never know the depth of mine."

Nice poems, kevinyunlai!

Guy1731

thanks lol

[LZF]

Woman's Prayer

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who is handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed.
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never ever attempt to hit on my friend.
Amen.



A Man's Prayer

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge breasts
who owns a liquor store and a boat.
Amen

[LZF]

Not really a joke but I find it damn hilarious nonetheless

anything that is funny is a "joke"

Work and Prison, which is better?

@ PRISON
You spend most of your time in a 10X10 cell
@ WORK
You spend
most of
your time
in a 6X6
cubicle
@ PRISON
You get three fully paid for meals a day
@ WORK
You get a break for one meal, and you have to pay for it
@ PRISON
For good behavior, you get time off
@ WORK
For good behavior, you get more work
@ PRISON
The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
@ WORK
You must carry a security card and open all the doors yourself
@ PRISON
You can watch TV and play games
@ WORK
You could get fired for watching TV and playing games
@ PRISON
You get your own toilet
@ WORK
You have to share the toilet with people who pee on the seat

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,

"but in just a month or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million pounds."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening
and............three days later, she became his stepmother.

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same
urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton
balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has
the pricks on the outside .
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Alabama? Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong". What would you call it when
an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. How do
you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another
sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh * it...".

Why is there no Disneyland in China ? No one's
tall enough to go on the good rides

paddy phones for ambulance as his mate's been hit by car. Operator asks where the accident is. He says outside 28 Eucalyptus rd. He's asked: How do you spell that? The line goes quiet for 5 minutes. Operator gets a bit worried. Then Paddy says sorry about that, I've just dragged him to number 3 oak st

Little girl finds her dog dead with its legs in the air and asks her dad why its like that. Dad says its died and is like that so Jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven. Next day she says"dad, mum nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting oh Jesus, i'm coming i'm coming and if the milkman hadn't been holding her down we'd have lost her!

3 men takin an intelligence test were asked!... A man & woman are in bed nude, the woman with her back to the man & he lying facing her back. What's the man's name?... The 1st a Canadian said, " there IS no answer" the 2nd a Scot said " there's no way to know from given clue" the 3rd a Paddy says "1 have it down to 2 possibles: "Willie Turner or Willie Nailer"

[Bendy]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and took a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.

When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

I went to see my friend's new baby today. She asked me if I'd like to wind it. I thought Effing hell thats a bit harsh! So I just gave it a dead leg!


Zeus the Greek god was flying over ancient greece when he spotted a gorgeous naked woman washing herself. He made love to her and then stroked her face and told her "in 9 months you will have a child and you call him Hercules". She dressed and smiled at him serenely and replied "In 9 days you will have a rash and you will call it Herpes now piss off"!


Jewish woman said to her mum - "I'm going to divorce David. He only wants Anal sex and my a***hole is now the size of a 50p when it used to be like a 5p!"
Mum says, "You've a huge house, a porche, a grand per week allowance and 6 holidays a year. You're going to throw all that away for 45p"?

Here's my personal favorite:

So a baby seal walks into a club...