A motorway and a road are arguing and walk into a pub. The barman tells them to stop arguing and the Motorway , starts threatening the barman,' Shut it barman i am a Motorway and i will smash your head in,i will fight anybody who wants me to', the road takes advantage and hides beneath a table. Suddenly the Motorway dives under the table too, next thing ,a small lane enters the pub looking annoyed and agitated,he asks the barmen, 'Has a Motorway and road been in here', ' To make sure there is no trouble the barman answers,' no i havent seen them' , 'well if you do tell them i am going to beat up that flaming motorway, when i find it'. 'ok',says the barman and the small lane leaves the pub.

The motorway and road get up from under the table and the barman says to the motorway , 'you said you would fight anybody, yet you hide when a small lane enters,Why?'

The motorway replies hey i might be a big motorway, but he's just a cycle path

Same joke but replace motorway and road with extra strong mint and a polo and small lane with a throat lozenge and
the punchline is changed to
Hey i might be an extra strong mint, but that guys menthol lol
sad i know but made me laugh

Ultimate form of embarassment for a man , running into a wall with a hard on and breaking his nose

[sdawson]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in North Dakota." Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today? The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

[AeroIceman]

hahaha
lmao!
that was a good one.

extra points given for not having lewd or obscene language.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently
dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

DCI Phone was too late at the scene of the crime – only to find Freddy the Peanut A-salted and vacuumed packed!!!!

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".

[LZF]

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate and, as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, could you tell me where we are?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveller gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were satisfied, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked..

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

There were two guys at a newly opened hotel and they were drinking. The first one said,"Did you know that they made this hotel so that if you jump off of it, you'll fly back up?" The second person said,"Nah, that can't be true..." The first says,"It is true. In fact, if I'm lying, you can have $50, but if it's true, you owe me $50!" So, the second man says,"OK! I'll go for that bet!" They walk outside to the balcony and the first one says,"I'll even jump off first so you can see how right I am!" Then he jumps off, and then he flies back up! The second man goes,"Whoa, so it IS true... My turn!" The second man jumps off and then, he dies, because he didn't fly back up! The hotel manager was watching this and he says to the first person,"You know, you're really mean when you're drunk, Superman."

[andree]

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Bloody nice!

[pink panther]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device ... a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I’ll explain the toy ... you explain the kids."

[XVI]

Not really a joke but i say this quite often lately, and it always get some laughs.
Got to be careful saying it though

You go up to a group of people with some ladies in it and say
" If you didn't have feet, Would you by shoes?"
and of course they always say "No"
then you say
"Why do you buy Bra?"

[andree]

TENJEWBERRYMUDS

To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2007.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. - Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service. "

RS: " Rye .. Roon sirbees .. morrin! Jewish to odder sunteen?"

G: "Uh..yes. I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What?"

RS: "Ow July den? ... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes?"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!....Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No ... just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad! ?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy ... tea ... meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin w bodder on sigh and copy .... rye?"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds. "

[pink panther]

Proud to be Lebanese! why you ask? read on ...

This is not a story but a true incident that happened in the USA.
A Lebanese man walked into a bank in New York City one day and
asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that
he was going to Lebanon on business for two weeks and needed
to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would
need some form of security for the loan. The Lebanese man
handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in
front of the bank. He produced the title and
everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to accept
the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and
its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Lebanese for
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a
$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the
Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it
there. Two weeks later, the Lebanese returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest, which came to $15.41. The loan
officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are
a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is,
why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" The Lebanese
replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I
return'" Ah, the brain of the Lebanese...

Proud to be Lebanese .. lol

[XVI]

Proud to be Lebanese! why you ask? read on ...

This is not a story but a true incident that happened in the USA.
A Lebanese man walked into a bank in New York City one day and
asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that
he was going to Lebanon on business for two weeks and needed
to borrow $5,000. The bank officer told him that the bank would
need some form of security for the loan. The Lebanese man
handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in
front of the bank. He produced the title and
everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to accept
the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and
its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Lebanese for
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a
$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the
Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it
there. Two weeks later, the Lebanese returned, repaid the $5,000
and the interest, which came to $15.41. The loan
officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are
a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and
found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is,
why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" The Lebanese
replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I
return'" Ah, the brain of the Lebanese...

Proud to be Lebanese .. lol

LOL, nice joke but please keep it original and replace Lebanese with Australian. Thank You