Share the funniest lines you've read in romance novels

“When male authors write love stories, the heroine tends to end up dead.”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Ain't She Sweet

“Disagreements over money are the biggest cause of divorce."
She waved her hand. "Absolutely no problem. Your money is our money. My money is my money." She wrote away.
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Match Me If You Can

“You're not my matchmaker any longer. But we're still friends, and in the interest of our friendship we need to discuss page thirteen."
"Page thirteen ?"
"You've accused me of being arrogant. I've always thought of myself as confident, but I'm here to tell you, no more. After studying these pictures... Honey, if this is what you're looking for in a man, I don't think any of us are going to measure up."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Who knew flexible silicone came in so many colors?"
Her sex toy catalog. He'd taken it months ago. She'd hoped he forgotten it by now.
" Most of these products are hypoallergenic. That's good, I guess. Some with batteries, some without. I suppose that's a matter of preference. There's a harness on this one. That's pretty kinky. And...Son of a bitch ! It says this one is dishwater safe. I'm sorry but there's just something unappetizing about that.”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Match Me If You Can

“His mother?" Gracie couldn't believe it. Suzy Denton looked much too young to be his mother. And much too respectable. "But you're not a-" She cut herself off in mid-sentence as she realized what she'd almost let slip.
Suzy's wedding ring clicked against the steering wheel as she gave it a hard smack. "I'm going to kill him! He's been telling that hooker story again, hasn't he?”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Heaven, Texas

“There you are," he said when she bobbed up. "I was getting worried."
"What are you doing?"
"Waiting till you're ready to drown." He smiled and eased back down on the seat. "And then I'm going to save your life. Dan did it for Phoebe and I'm going to do it for you."
"Dan didn't try to murder her first!" she screamed.
"I go the extra mile.”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, This Heart of Mine

“Isn't there a mirror someplace where you can go admire yourself?"
"I never knew a woman so hung up on my good looks."
"All your women are hung up on your good looks. They just pretend it's your personality.”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, This Heart of Mine

“I must have your promise, Coach, that you won't hurt her."
"I promise."
"You spoke a bit too quickly for my taste. I don't quite believe you."
"I'm a man of my word, and I promise that I won't hurt her.When I murder her, I'll do it real quick, so she won't feel a thing."
Viktor sighed. "That's exactly what I was afraid of.”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, It Had to Be You

“I was kidding. Even I'm not that promiscuous. You guru people have no sense of humor.”
“I'm not a guru people, and I happen to have a very well developed sense of humor. Why else would I still be talking to you?”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Breathing Room

“Honey, the only experts in PMS are men. That's why men are so good at fighting wars; they learned Escape and Evade at home.”
― Linda Howard, Mr. Perfect

“Do you want to know why men name their penis? So the most important decisions in their life aren't made by a stranger.”
― Linda Howard, After the Night

“Let go of me or slow down," she demanded as she tried to keep pace with him.
He slowed down. "I swear to God, you try the patience of a saint."
"You aren't a saint, Brodick, no matter what your mother might have told you.”
― Julie Garwood, Ransom

“He held her gaze steady while he summarized her promises. “She will honor me, protect me, obey me only when she believes I’m being reasonable—but I shouldn’t hold out hope that that day will ever come—try to love me before she’s an old woman, and I’d better get it straight in my mind that she will respect me until or unless I do something to prove I’m not worthy, and God save me then. Have I left anything out, Brenna?”
― Julie Garwood, The Wedding

“Have I ever been involved in your improper thoughts?” Leo persisted, causing her face
to flame.
“I told you I didn’t have any,” she protested.
“No, you said ‘hardly ever.’ Which means one or two are rattling around in there.”

-Lisa Kleypas, Married by Morning

“Look here,” she said in a businesslike manner, “I’ve read about the mating habits of over two dozen
species, and with the exception of snails, whose genitalia is on their necks, they all—” She broke off and
frowned. “Why are you laughing at me?
Christopher had collapsed, overcome with hilarity. As he lifted his head and saw her affronted expression,
he struggled manfully with another outburst. “Beatrix. I’m . . . I’m not laughing at you.”
“You are!”
“No I’m not. It’s just . . .” He swiped a tear from the corner of his eye, and a few more chuckles escaped.
“Squirrels . . .”
“Well, it may be humorous to you, but it’s a very serious matter to the squirrels.”
That set him off again. In a display of rank insensitivity to the reproductive rights of small mammals,
Christopher had buried his face in a pillow, his shoulders shaking.
“What is so amusing about fornicating squirrels?” Beatrix asked irritably.
By this time he had gone into near apoplexy. “

-Lisa Kleypas, Love in the Afternoon